the thing i’m proposing probably doesn’t exist yet, and since most people (including, naturally, most jews) are witless sheep, it probably never will, either

When I was doing conversion courses, everybody always asked me why I wanted to become a Jew. I see now that they imagine that anyone sexually attracted towards the Jewish people qua Jewish, must have a rather nasty developmental kink. But in my case, there is an innocent explanation. My mother demanded a divorce from my father almost immediately after my birth because of his infidelity. I was deposited for a year in the care of a friendly, affluent, upper-middle class, liberal Pindo family near Versailles, a beautiful surrogate mom & dad, for a year, then unfortunately, I was dragged from there to poverty-stricken England by my mother. Because I imprinted the images of the two kind and loving Pindosis, who simply must have been Jewish, in the place of my effectively non-existent real mom & dad, of whom I was thereafter deprived forever, I wasn’t able to negotiate the subsequent stages of development as a ‘normal’ boy. I’ve just been reading about a tug-of-love between a Jewish mother and a ‘Christian’ foster-mother, the reverse case to mine: Sarah Kofman.

My peculiar form of neo-Judaism is the product of a number of factors, therefore, some of which are (by normal standards anyway) intensely private. I might be the deracinated product of a line of what used to be called conversos. That is, my mother’s mother may have agreed to conceal her Jewishness as a condition of her marriage. If I wasn’t such an apparently “anti-Semitic psychopath,” someone would probably have offered to check that out by now. It isn’t difficult, it’s just a matter of submitting the story to the Wiesenthal Centre in Vienna, initially just asking them in general terms whether it’s plausible or not. But since no one who is a Jew of any sort whatever, would currently want to share a lifeboat with me, there is a lack of response. I could write to the Wiesenthal people myself. There’s no need for me to be shy: they are massively subsidized, explicitly and publicly, to deal with exactly this type of query. Just like I could learn hebrew for myself. When I don’t do these things, it is because I am waiting for an answering hand from the Jewish side.

It would be easier to eliminate all Jews from the face of the earth, than to persuade them to open their lattice windows even a crack and contemplate a new type of face. Erotic complaints aside, what are the positive contents of this thing? Inevitably they are kabbalistic, which means they are based on Jewish Gnosticism and what I shall probably be calling Jewish Tantra. The expression sounds slightly anachronistic, I realise, because ‘Jewish’ is slightly too late a designation, but then again, I want to be Jewish, and in most ways I am a modern person in mindset, somewhat like Scholem, who opened all this up and is rather disliked for it by almost all his successors. By the way, I might just insert here a note of dislike of my own, for the so-called ‘neo-Sabbatian ‘Donmeh West’ and its self-appointed master Larry Corey, or YaLHaK as he calls himself. Most unusual for a man to give himself an acronym of this sort, a comical self-conceit. I have attended one of his classes online. There were literally endless recordings of electronically distorted, chanted notarikonim. Next – RB

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