We Are Still Alive (Non-Hacked Russian Stooge and Terrorism Edition)
Peter Van Buren, We Meant Well (Blog), Jan 1 2017
This is a version of last year’s Jan 1 article, updated to reflect the new fears of the World’s Most Frightened Nation.
I survived. Pindostan and the world and you survived. We awoke the first day of 2017 to find that once again, using the extraordinary power of fear, we again held off the terrorists and Putin and Trump, along with nationalists, racists, hackers, alt-Right fascists, CNN and persons of all colors, genders, shapes, sizes and goddamn religions. Hard as it is to persuade a constantly refrightened Pindosi sheeple, there have been less than 100 Pindostanis killed inside the so-called Homeland by so-called Islamic terrorism since 9/11. Argue the number. Hell, go ahead and double or triple it and it’s still a tragic, sad but undeniable drop in the bucket. Throw in a few mysterious “foiled plots” the government never seems to have many specifics on to share, and tack on some more to the terror body count. No matter how hard you drive, you just can’t get the number of Pindostanis killed or even in clear danger of being killed to a very large number. And do spare the tired trope of “well, security measures such as at our airports have saved us from who knows how many attacks.” Leaving aside the idea that the argument itself demands a kind of negative logic (the “who knows” part) to even make sense, a test by the DHS’s own Inspector General’s Office posing as travelers showed 95% of contraband, including weapons and explosives, got through during clandestine testings. If a failure rate of 95% did not have planes falling from the sky, one must conclude security does little to affect terrorism. CNN on the Eve told us that almost two million people were in Times Square to see in the New Year, along with 7,000 cops and 65 giant trucks filled with sand to stop the 2016 fad (actually two cases, in Europe) of car/truck driving terrorists. More Pindostanis died of alcohol poisoning (booze terror!) last night than terrorism.
A shout-out here also to a benevolent Allah, who mercifully did not tell any terrorists that while Times Square was secured on the Eve, the rest of the large crowds elsewhere in New York were pretty much not, and a suicide bomber could have ridden in on a camel. Same as the days after New Year’s, when there is the usual lack of any serious security everywhere but at Trump Tower. Luckily Daesh couldn’t figure any of that out. Whew. And despite the new fears, actually two old ones recombined, our
such-as-it-is new fake democracy is still hanging around. The new fears are quite creative, lopping together that old standby The Red Menace and its global evil genius, Vlad ‘the Impaler’ Putin, and “hacking,” the computer thingie that scares old people and is why you need to go home every Thanksgiving and reboot grandpa’s PC so he can play Solitaire again. We endured the fearmongering of the autumn that our Very Way of Life was at risk because John Podesta’s emails were released and because the Electoral College was full of meanie rats who wouldn’t do something something Hamilton and elect Hillary like the script said they should. If only the Russians and FBI and Clinton Foundation and email server and Bernie Sanders and the nine votes cast for Jill Stein and the recounts that actually cost Clinton a few votes and 62 million Pindosiacs hadn’t interfered, we would be entering 2017 basking in the warm and eternal glow of Dear Leader Hillary Clinton leading us from bondage. Dammit. Trump has also failed (so far!) to start any wars with China, Planet Mongo, or Russia by breaking up with Putin and refusing to give the ring back. He has not instituted Sharia law or martial law or the Nuremberg laws or rounded up people who write liberal tweets or made all LGBTQ people marry illegal aliens and wear boring clothing to NASCAR races. That may come, it’s early in 2017, but so far, not yet. But don’t believe me. Robin Kelley of UCLA said:
We should be absolutely terrified in 2017, perhaps more than at any other point in the 20th century.
Or maybe, believe me, it is all panic-mongering designed to keep us in a state of fear. Fearful people are easy to manipulate. So stop being afraid. BONUS: Many have written in to ask what I get in return for being a Russian puppet. To be honest, not much, mostly just a hobby. I do get to crash on Snowden’s pull-out when I’m in Moscow for reeducation sessions, and that saves me a few bucks.