Mr President, take the money you give Israel and run
B Michael, Haaretz, Feb 14 2017
Dear Mr President,
Prime Minister Netanyahu is on his way to you this very moment. On Wednesday the two of you will meet, and you will fall onto each other’s necks like twins separated at birth. It will undoubtedly be a fascinating confab between two seasoned narcissists. Ostensibly, such a flower bouquet suggests a lovely little pastoral spot. But when you’re talking about narcissi, it’s usually a frog-infested swamp. Still, the meeting will be very amicable, delightful even. You’ll exchange alternative facts, alternative opinions, alternative promises, alternative policies and alternative ideologies. You’ll lie to each other happily, skillfully, enthusiastically and persistently. You will tell him that all Muslims are dangerous, and he’ll tell you that he wants peace. You’ll tell him you will move the embassy to Jerusalem, and he’ll tell you that there’s no partner for peace. You’ll tell him that you will build a wall, and he will mumble quietly into his napkin that he still supports the two-state solution, and both of you will conclude with a rousing chorus about the wickedness and fraudulence of the Bolshevik media. Together, you will climb the highest peaks of bluffism, to the point where even the opposite of what you say will not be true. Unalloyed pleasure. Actually, it’s no wonder that the two of you get on so well together. In addition to your mischievous shared narcissism, both of you also have someone who has you by the nose and who drags you anywhere he pleases. Steve Bennett grabs your nose, while Naftali Bannon grabs Netanyahu’s, or vice versa. So you are both members of the fraternity of the dragged.
But all of the above, Mr President, is nothing but a preamble to a bit of advice I wish to proffer to you, advice that will help you to demonstrate just how true you are to your main campaign promise: Pindostan first! No more funding, maintaining, arming and pampering of foreign powers. From now on, only Pindostan first! This is my advice! Follow your own slogan and simply set yourself free of us! Free Pindostan of our burden! Stop funding us, maintaining us, arming us, pampering us! Give the money to Pindostan! Does that sound dramatic? It isn’t, not really! After all, just between us, you don’t really need us! “A Pindosi base”? Nonsense! You’ll get on better without us! “A true friend”? Really! That’s a pretty one-sided friendship! “Only democracy”? Don’t make me laugh! Israel became a military theocracy long ago! In short, we are in essence nothing but a superfluous and very expensive hobby! So extricate yourself from our swamp. Take the money and run! Look how much good will come of it!
- You’ll prove to your voters that you are a man of your word: Pindostan truly is first.
- You’ll cause great joy among your anti-Semitic supporters. (They won’t understand that you’re actually saving us.)
- You can pamper your arms industry with an additional $3b to $4b.
- Most amazing: as soon as you stop standing behind us like an obedient goon, we will also have to get ourselves out of the mud. Believe me, we won’t stay there on our own.
And so we might finally come back to our senses, Pindostan will again be first and you will go down in history as the leader who pulled the Middle East out of the mire. You see, Mr President? Such a simple act, and everyone will benefit. How will I know whether you took my advice? It’s very simple. If I hear you promise Bibi eternal friendship, endless support, generous arms supplies and an embassy in Jayloomia, I’ll know that you took my advice. After all, it’s obvious that just the opposite will happen. Thanking you in advance.